In the abstract silence of my resonating past, I chase my future. We all live this life, we all question the beliefs, I question each step and I have left them all behind, for they seek what I do not. I wish they cared for nothing but my concern. I haven’t forgotten the brutality of the reputation that they bestowed on me, I care no more for I have killed the real me. I walk on these two feet that crumble when aloof, I will touch the sky though all I aim is a shattered roof.
That feeling to own and disown what never was yours is the most awful feeling in the universe called emotional turbulence. The control freak nature of the troublemaker kind is annoyingly spiteful. We cannot look beyond this moment and yet we need a commitment, promise of focus, an entire life worth of happiness as a payment for someone’s existence in our life.
I am really tired of understanding myself, what do I want, what am I actually looking for? I have absolute clarity that I am done with whoever I considered close to me, be it family, friends and all the unnecessarily clingy relationships! I am done trying to impress people with whatever little emotions I could. Here on, I am happy to be on my own.
This earth doesn’t revolve fast enough to throw me off its trajectory. Of all the people, why am I hanging in there for no motivation? I have worked hard enough, wasted enough time, there is always confusion of pick and choose! There are always two choices and I can pick both but then, they cease to exist together. Either I plan to be happy or I plan to cling to something in the past . Happiness and the past unfortunately do not gel very well. For no matter, how happy I am the next moment appears to be comparatively dull. The hyper active side of me has been the most restless in past few months, so much so that I had deleted facebook, went off the grid and I have no clue what all I tried. All sorts of tactics. The worst is yet to come.
Whatever happened wasn’t entirely my prerogative, it was either pushed, forced or lack of maturity. Here on though, I am aware of my situations and in the process of making peace. However, what doesn’t impress me is my nature to jump in to something and to want to achieve it in the very next second. If only, I could convince myself that, that’s not how life works. It all happens at a pace. Now, pace; pace is a very tricky word here. Your pace is always slower than mine! All I can do is to move on, start fresh and keep fighting till I find a way to acknowledge and accept life as it is! Which is another story anyway.
That feeling to own and disown what never was yours is the most awful feeling in the universe called emotional turbulence. The control freak nature of the troublemaker kind is annoyingly spiteful. We cannot look beyond this moment and yet we need a commitment, promise of focus, an entire life worth of happiness as a payment for someone’s existence in our life.
I am really tired of understanding myself, what do I want, what am I actually looking for? I have absolute clarity that I am done with whoever I considered close to me, be it family, friends and all the unnecessarily clingy relationships! I am done trying to impress people with whatever little emotions I could. Here on, I am happy to be on my own.
This earth doesn’t revolve fast enough to throw me off its trajectory. Of all the people, why am I hanging in there for no motivation? I have worked hard enough, wasted enough time, there is always confusion of pick and choose! There are always two choices and I can pick both but then, they cease to exist together. Either I plan to be happy or I plan to cling to something in the past . Happiness and the past unfortunately do not gel very well. For no matter, how happy I am the next moment appears to be comparatively dull. The hyper active side of me has been the most restless in past few months, so much so that I had deleted facebook, went off the grid and I have no clue what all I tried. All sorts of tactics. The worst is yet to come.
Whatever happened wasn’t entirely my prerogative, it was either pushed, forced or lack of maturity. Here on though, I am aware of my situations and in the process of making peace. However, what doesn’t impress me is my nature to jump in to something and to want to achieve it in the very next second. If only, I could convince myself that, that’s not how life works. It all happens at a pace. Now, pace; pace is a very tricky word here. Your pace is always slower than mine! All I can do is to move on, start fresh and keep fighting till I find a way to acknowledge and accept life as it is! Which is another story anyway.
A new start..a fresh start...very few ppl get this opportunity or the courage to do it...
ReplyDeleteU've got it...make this awesome!
Your last few blogs show so much of "emotional turbulence" as you call it! Its ok to make mistakes and screw up big time! The question is do you think you should repent the rest of your life!Its not worth giving up your life for someone! You come alone and YES! you die alone! All this while you will meet people who are good,bad ugly and some nasty! :-)You have one life! Be your authentic self!
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